Post by sineG yuG lareneG on Aug 22, 2012 5:46:57 GMT -5
Across the world, citizens and shopkeepers wake up to find a thick sheath of paper stapled, taped, nailed or glued somewhere on the property. The first few pages are filled with adjectives, finally ending with "Cap'n Captain Blarggg's Freelance Mercenary and Puppy Punching Business." Following this is an out-of-place formal document regarding it that extends to several pages long, signed with a signature reading CHARMILLIONAIRE and a large quantity of trademarks, copyrights, fine lines...
The actual flyer for this business is contained on the last few pages.
Yar, have ye ever wanted someone dead? Devoured alive by a fire monster? Or maybe ya just want sum 'o their fine trinkets.
Dang dogs botherin' ya? I take care 'o the mutts, too. Eat 'em, punch 'em, put 'em in a microwave, ya name it.
Well then ya looked at the right ad. (EDITOR'S NOTE: BY READING THIS FAR YOU HAVE AGREED THAT ANY DAMAGE OR DEATH CAUSED BY THE PLACEMENT OF THIS ADVERTISEMENT IS YOUR OWN FAULT AND NOT A VALID OFFENSE IN ANY COURTROOM WITHIN THE KNOWN AND UNKNOWN UNIVERSE, AS WELL AS THE CLAIMS CREATED BY THIS WRITTEN DOCUMENT ARE FACTUALLY TRUE. ADDITIONALLY, ALL WRITTEN MATERIAL FOUND; PAPER AND MATERIALS IT'S COMPRISED OF, MACHINERY USED IN THE CREATION AND PROCURING OF IT, ANY LIKENESSES CONTAINED WITHIN, LANGUAGES AND ALL DEVICES USED TO TEACH THIS LANGUAGE, HISTORY OF THE MARKINGS THAT COMPRISE THE LANGUAGE, RELIGIOUS AND PERSONAL IMPLICATIONS OF THESE SYMBOLS, AND THE PRONOUCATION OF THESE COMBINATIONS OF SYMBOLS; ALL BELONG TO CHARMILLIONAIRE. -CHARMILLIONAIREↄⓂⓍ©℗®℠™)
What's that, ya say? Ya never heard 'o me? Then yer living underneath a fossil, and trust me, I know, since my commie buddy delivered 'em in person.
Ye wanna be old 'n crusty and stick with yer fossils that run the merc business, eh? Well lemme tell ya, they sure as Boiler ain't what ya think they are.
"But Mr. Blarggg, the Happy Mask Salesman is an experienced shopkeeper with history of positive results!"
'ol Happy? Ya mean THIS guy?
That welchin' weirdo with a creepy mask fetish is small-time! "Oh look at me, I cut off people's faces and wear them." Sounds like sum small-town necrophiliac, if ya ask me. Trust me, mah buddy Dampe backs me up on this.
"My son is that creepy statue with a weird face! He drowned, and when you ain't looking he moves! Spoooooky!" Ya talkin' 'bout that constipated elf over thar? Yer family is as weird as Blargg.
The Blargg is that thing? Ya got sum serious problems, dude.
"But Mr. Blarggg, Yeto was the best superhero of all time! He fought three armies single-handedly and beat up Reptar!"
Yeto? Ya mean that oversized ewok?
That's right, folks, this is Yeto. Yeto is a narcissistic yeti from Hyrule who looks in a mirror all day. But Yeto is actually a Wookie who lived on Endor while growing up in Hyrule. It ain't take an egghead ta realize that ain't makin' sense. Why would a Yeti, an 8-foot-tall Yeti who's actually a Wookie, be born in Hyrule while living on Endor, with a bunch 'o Ewoks? 'an I ask ya, what exactly does this have ta do with anything? Ya hit the nail on the head thar. I'm advertising on why I'm better than those 'ol folks, and it ain't make any sense at all.
I rest mah case.
"But Mr. Blarggg, you're just a superhero. Ms. Serena was the strongest war machine ever and always did what was just!"
Ya talkin' 'bout 'ol wood-head? Biggest hippocrate I ever seen, if ya ask me. Just take a look at this:
See that? Look right over thar. Yar, right thar. Ya seein' this? That trash ain't in the trashcan right next to it. She's littering, ladies and gents, and that is the worst crime one could possibly commit. 'cuse me a moment while I punch these newborn pups in shock at this utterly inhumane act.
"But Mr. Blarggg, Manaworx never lost a duel with other heroes and machines!"
You ain't serious, are ya? 'cuz he sure wasn't. Ya might not 'ave been able ta put two 'n two tagether, but 'ol Detective Blarggg saw it right away. 'ol Egghead is actually...
The weirdo Al Yankovic. Ya heard that right, folks. Just look at the similiarities. All he ever done was parody things, 'n I dun know 'bout ya, but I sure ain't idolizin' no youtube geeks.
"But Mr. Blarggg, Grodus was an amazing hero. He set the standards for generations to come!"
Afrodus? Now I know yer messin' 'round. He mighta fooled all ye, but nothing gets past Sherlock Blarggg 'n I saw right 'o way who he really is. Ya think he's 'sum evil alien overlord? It's alright, ye eye ain't as sharp as mah one good eye. Just connect the dots, and it's clear that Grodus is actually...
Young Michael Jackson.
Superhero Commandeer Cap'n Captain Blarggg's Freelance Mercenary and Puppy Punching Business (Serious name. And it only gets longer each time he gets new abilities)
Superhero: Cap'n Blarggg
Legendary Weapon: Bethesda
Uber Transport: Paradee
Representative: CHARMILLIONAIRE©℗®™
War Points: 0
Job Status: Punching puppies. That's one of his services, people.
World Records in Progress: None. He's on vacation.
Past Achievements: Trust me, your lifespan isn't long enough to hear it all.
Base: Lavalava Volcano
Defense: Lava (It's a Blarggin' volcano)
Spectators To His Amazing Accomplishments: 0. He's a modest Blargg.
Extreme Fans:
2,000 Blarggs
Total: 2,000
Accomplishments:
(0/50) Jump through more buildings than the Koolaid Man (Title: Koolaid, summons the Koolaid Man to jump into and proceed to knock down obstacles)
(0/30) Eat the Arc of the Covenant (Title: Indiana, gives him a whip that can easily snatch away objects)
(0/50) Take drivers ed from "Dr. Gerald" (Ability: Paradee will cause horrible, horrible accidents while operating any machine)
(0/50) Eat a couple 'o nuclear warheads (Title: Explosive, once-a-battle move that coats surrounding area in burning lava)
Trophies:
None at the present. He has donated his vast collection to a museum in his honor.
Day 0
Cap'n Blarggg: Git outta mah logbook ya filthy spy.
Instead of abilities and artifacts, Cap'n Blarggg has titles and trophies.
And in place of an uber transport that carries him around, he has an uber transports that hijacks other peoples' vehicles.
He will be the most original superhero ever
The actual flyer for this business is contained on the last few pages.
Yar, have ye ever wanted someone dead? Devoured alive by a fire monster? Or maybe ya just want sum 'o their fine trinkets.
Dang dogs botherin' ya? I take care 'o the mutts, too. Eat 'em, punch 'em, put 'em in a microwave, ya name it.
Well then ya looked at the right ad. (EDITOR'S NOTE: BY READING THIS FAR YOU HAVE AGREED THAT ANY DAMAGE OR DEATH CAUSED BY THE PLACEMENT OF THIS ADVERTISEMENT IS YOUR OWN FAULT AND NOT A VALID OFFENSE IN ANY COURTROOM WITHIN THE KNOWN AND UNKNOWN UNIVERSE, AS WELL AS THE CLAIMS CREATED BY THIS WRITTEN DOCUMENT ARE FACTUALLY TRUE. ADDITIONALLY, ALL WRITTEN MATERIAL FOUND; PAPER AND MATERIALS IT'S COMPRISED OF, MACHINERY USED IN THE CREATION AND PROCURING OF IT, ANY LIKENESSES CONTAINED WITHIN, LANGUAGES AND ALL DEVICES USED TO TEACH THIS LANGUAGE, HISTORY OF THE MARKINGS THAT COMPRISE THE LANGUAGE, RELIGIOUS AND PERSONAL IMPLICATIONS OF THESE SYMBOLS, AND THE PRONOUCATION OF THESE COMBINATIONS OF SYMBOLS; ALL BELONG TO CHARMILLIONAIRE. -CHARMILLIONAIREↄⓂⓍ©℗®℠™)
What's that, ya say? Ya never heard 'o me? Then yer living underneath a fossil, and trust me, I know, since my commie buddy delivered 'em in person.
Ye wanna be old 'n crusty and stick with yer fossils that run the merc business, eh? Well lemme tell ya, they sure as Boiler ain't what ya think they are.
"But Mr. Blarggg, the Happy Mask Salesman is an experienced shopkeeper with history of positive results!"
'ol Happy? Ya mean THIS guy?
That welchin' weirdo with a creepy mask fetish is small-time! "Oh look at me, I cut off people's faces and wear them." Sounds like sum small-town necrophiliac, if ya ask me. Trust me, mah buddy Dampe backs me up on this.
"My son is that creepy statue with a weird face! He drowned, and when you ain't looking he moves! Spoooooky!" Ya talkin' 'bout that constipated elf over thar? Yer family is as weird as Blargg.
The Blargg is that thing? Ya got sum serious problems, dude.
"But Mr. Blarggg, Yeto was the best superhero of all time! He fought three armies single-handedly and beat up Reptar!"
Yeto? Ya mean that oversized ewok?
That's right, folks, this is Yeto. Yeto is a narcissistic yeti from Hyrule who looks in a mirror all day. But Yeto is actually a Wookie who lived on Endor while growing up in Hyrule. It ain't take an egghead ta realize that ain't makin' sense. Why would a Yeti, an 8-foot-tall Yeti who's actually a Wookie, be born in Hyrule while living on Endor, with a bunch 'o Ewoks? 'an I ask ya, what exactly does this have ta do with anything? Ya hit the nail on the head thar. I'm advertising on why I'm better than those 'ol folks, and it ain't make any sense at all.
I rest mah case.
"But Mr. Blarggg, you're just a superhero. Ms. Serena was the strongest war machine ever and always did what was just!"
Ya talkin' 'bout 'ol wood-head? Biggest hippocrate I ever seen, if ya ask me. Just take a look at this:
See that? Look right over thar. Yar, right thar. Ya seein' this? That trash ain't in the trashcan right next to it. She's littering, ladies and gents, and that is the worst crime one could possibly commit. 'cuse me a moment while I punch these newborn pups in shock at this utterly inhumane act.
"But Mr. Blarggg, Manaworx never lost a duel with other heroes and machines!"
You ain't serious, are ya? 'cuz he sure wasn't. Ya might not 'ave been able ta put two 'n two tagether, but 'ol Detective Blarggg saw it right away. 'ol Egghead is actually...
The weirdo Al Yankovic. Ya heard that right, folks. Just look at the similiarities. All he ever done was parody things, 'n I dun know 'bout ya, but I sure ain't idolizin' no youtube geeks.
"But Mr. Blarggg, Grodus was an amazing hero. He set the standards for generations to come!"
Afrodus? Now I know yer messin' 'round. He mighta fooled all ye, but nothing gets past Sherlock Blarggg 'n I saw right 'o way who he really is. Ya think he's 'sum evil alien overlord? It's alright, ye eye ain't as sharp as mah one good eye. Just connect the dots, and it's clear that Grodus is actually...
Young Michael Jackson.
Superhero Commandeer Cap'n Captain Blarggg's Freelance Mercenary and Puppy Punching Business (Serious name. And it only gets longer each time he gets new abilities)
Superhero: Cap'n Blarggg
Legendary Weapon: Bethesda
Uber Transport: Paradee
Representative: CHARMILLIONAIRE©℗®™
War Points: 0
Job Status: Punching puppies. That's one of his services, people.
World Records in Progress: None. He's on vacation.
Past Achievements: Trust me, your lifespan isn't long enough to hear it all.
Base: Lavalava Volcano
Defense: Lava (It's a Blarggin' volcano)
Spectators To His Amazing Accomplishments: 0. He's a modest Blargg.
Extreme Fans:
2,000 Blarggs
Total: 2,000
Accomplishments:
(0/50) Jump through more buildings than the Koolaid Man (Title: Koolaid, summons the Koolaid Man to jump into and proceed to knock down obstacles)
(0/30) Eat the Arc of the Covenant (Title: Indiana, gives him a whip that can easily snatch away objects)
(0/50) Take drivers ed from "Dr. Gerald" (Ability: Paradee will cause horrible, horrible accidents while operating any machine)
(0/50) Eat a couple 'o nuclear warheads (Title: Explosive, once-a-battle move that coats surrounding area in burning lava)
Trophies:
None at the present. He has donated his vast collection to a museum in his honor.
Day 0
Cap'n Blarggg: Git outta mah logbook ya filthy spy.
Instead of abilities and artifacts, Cap'n Blarggg has titles and trophies.
And in place of an uber transport that carries him around, he has an uber transports that hijacks other peoples' vehicles.
He will be the most original superhero ever
