Critics gonna misspell criticise

[sineG yuG lareneG]

Ellipses. Spaces. 'nuff said.

We will be here to report in Earth's possible final hours...what...what was that sound outside?” The male news anchor asked.

I doubt a news anchor would say something like that on camera. Or at least, describe what he's doing. Such as him talking in a low voice to someone off screen, or him excusing himself. Gotta keep to their roles. They need more depth to 'em. Also take into the fact that the world is apparently ending. Would a news anchor sound so casual about it?

Suddenly gunshots, explosions, and screaming were heard

I think screams would fit better here. Considering screaming is an action while others described are plural things, blargg.

and a large group of armed people broke into the newsroom holding assault rifles, wearing masks.

Doesn't feel right, just saying that. Maybe you could write something like "the camera fell to the floor, and blurry images of armed men could be seen." Gotta take into account that it's being viewed from a camera.

“Please! Don't do thi--”

Again, gotta keep to character. I'd think a regular person would be confused and say something like "what's going on?!" and then them approaching menacingly before he starts pleading.

as the biggest shooter shot him directly in the face, causing blood to go everywhere, even onto the camera.

Couple things here. Shooter? There's a variety of words that would be better suited here. I feel that the sentence should end with the shot in face part, with the next sentence describing the aftermath. "Blood splattered everywhere, blotting out the camera."

"The female news anchor screamed to no avail, as one of them dragged her off-screen. The one who shot the male wiped the blood off of the camera, and took it over."

One of my many obsessions, but repetitiveness. Using "one" at this point feels too early. Also, saying "took it over" seems a bit unnecessary, or at least not warranting a comma before that. Something like "centering it onto his face" might be better.

Further onto that, the story progresses quite fast here. You could certainly do to extend it, like having commotion and inquiry go on before killing starts.

“This is a message, to all of you.

Comma be gone.

Maybe you've heard of me before from the news, the serial killer, the creator of chaos, blah blah blah...

Should be split into two sentences. Also, character. Maybe capitalize the titles. And would a serial killer really say "blah blah blah?" Maybe if he had a sort of bored disposition, but that doesn't feel right at all.

When he came back, he was holding the dismembered head of the male news anchor.

Feels like it needs more descriptions. Or at least adjectives. Like describe the look of horror on the face, or the dripping blood.

Now you're dead, and I'm holding your head and pointing it into your OWN GOD DAMNED CAMERA!

At this point the speech would be good to split up and mention what the character is doing. Like "the killer rose his voice and swung the head furiously, a demented look in his eyes." Maybe that's just me. It sounds like he's the kind of character that would make a bunch of motions to accompany his speech. Gestures can help reinforce their character and adds depth.

why anybody hasn't tried to shut down my message down yet

This sentence feels oddly constructed, perhaps move hasn't in front, but mostly needs a question mark, maybe start it as a new sentence.

I mean after all I kind of did just kill a guy on live TV

Would someone who really just commuted the act talk about it like that? He might add emphasis at the end of it, and use more commas.

Well, that's because my family has already went up and took care of that,

Sentence should end here. And went up sounds odd to me, but blargg.

I mean I don't think they'd really care when my family's busy shooting at them.

Opinion time, but I think you could go for more dramatic than "shooting at them." Maybe something like "busy sending them to the afterlife."

”

“

I'm pretty sure you don't need to end it if the person continues their speech on the next line. Maybe add a description of what's happening at this point, like final sounds of gunfire and suffering, or his expression.

“You could, you know, do what this ASSHOLE told you to do, or maybe you could just you know, let your inner human run wild.

Yeah, should be two sentences. But I feel a description of his expression would be great here too.

Most of you probably thought, oh, this is just another end of the world bull theory, but it's very real, and it will happen.

If he's doing quoting, you should go for text 'like this,' and add emphasis to his words like italicizing will.

The screen went to a technical difficulties screen,

Using screen a second time feels redundant.

and the people who were huddled around the TV watching all of it happened, looked at each other with curious gazes.

I think the and should be cut and it begins with a new sentence and describe it in past tensed.

While some still chose to stay with their families and friends like the news anchor had said, but

Either while or but should be cut.

No word was heard from other continents at all,

Heard doesn't feel right here. Maybe received.

Two hours, is not that much time, but humanity is an efficient species when it comes to killing itself. [/u]

I'd lose the first comma.

People broke into stores, brutally killed shopkeepers, and looted things that they didn't even need.

Okay, I'm not actually going to complain about this in particular (though I'd use a better word than killed and add emphasis to need), but give something closer to actual criticism than what I've done so far.

So, all this is originating from a single broadcast? Just one plain 'ol speech where for all the readers know, could have be an old guy speaking in a monotonic voice droning on? The speech earlier needs more depth than what it's actions imply. Describe the emotional aspects, body language, pitch, heck, even background.

And for that matter, you didn't even have the viewers said to react that much after the speech ended. For it to have caused stuff on this level, you should have had much greater reactions.

Weren't even going to be able to use,

Weren't going to use what? You need to add in that they weren't going to use stolen goods.

murdered other people.

I think others would sufficient.

Pretty quickly

I don't think quickly would be best here over something like soon.

blood, and the

I think another problem you may have is your usage of and. If you could make it into separate sentences to enhance the impact of it, then do so.

What would be capable of it?

This whole sentence feels out of place. Maybe it's just me.

explosions were caused.

Probably just me, but I think created would be better.

Society began to melt the fuck down, it was if Jack's message

Needs to be split up here.

desire of discord and chaos.

Basically saying "chaos" and "chaos" is a bit repetitive. Discord and destruction or something along those lines would be better.

The Government of the US, if it hadn't been scrambling in an attempt to evacuate so many people of it's own at once, would have been ashamed of the people in the nation, ashamed of itself for allowing such chaos and discord to happen so easily, all from that one damned message broadcasted across the nation.

See my previous thing for the chaos bit, and also split starting with ashamed of itself. Perhaps even make the message part it's own sentence.

Our story, is not about the fools that fell into Jack's chaotic thinking, no, not at all. A boy, and his father,

Too many commas here.

It will continue, and it will continue, long after we are gone.

The second comma makes it sound really redundant.





Guess I'll actually criticize more about the plot tomorrow rather than just say minor annoyances here and there with only one or two of them actually having good advice.

[sineG yuG lareneG]

a hour and a half

You need more an's in 'ere.

and the

Considering you just introduced the father, you should say his.

extremely protective of Aaron, after losing his wife.

Ditch the comma.

One night, a burglar had broken into their house, and Dylan was the first one to meet him.

Split up this sentence, please. You've got a problem with extending sentences unnecessarily.

The burglar had been going for Aaron's room, which obviously enraged the father.

Yeah, I agree with Enigma. This sentence just doesn't sound right.

Surviving.

Survival would be better here.

so Dylan quickly but slightly buckled his seat belt.

I suppose you mean silently?

He then ran around the side to the driver door, unlocked it, got in, and then finally started the car.

This sentence feels unnecessarily descriptive. Maybe split it into two sentences between unlock and got in? And finally feels out of place since he hasn't been doing much actually inside the car.

he watched a really violent scene

Is really a good word here?

Most of them were wearing heavy winter coats, as after all, it was winter currently and it was rather cold outside.

This could probably be broken up into smaller sentences. Currently also feels like a poor choice of words.

Strangely, they hadn't had a bit of snow this year yet, but then again, they were possibly on the brink of the apocalypse.

The but should be cut and then start a new sentence with "Then again,". Possibly also feels out of place, but blargg.

hitting one of the rival group

You should say members of the rival group instead.

The

I can find no flaws in this sentence.

[sineG yuG lareneG]

I'll do this later.

You know what I'd say about all those dots, so I won't even bother quoting 'em all.



The second was a thrown brick directly to the face, that broke after it hit the ground.

Saying "the second" doesn't feel right. Maybe "the next act," and also swap the order of brick and thrown. The second part should be continued without a comma,

The fight was still going on when Dylan began to drive his car so he could...well, he didn't know where he was going to take his son, but this was surely not a safe place anymore. Maybe it never was.

He set the car in motion and began to drive but when he reached the fight, he didn't stop. In fact he hit two, and sent them flying to the side. Both sides stopped fighting each other and began to throw anything they could grab at Dylan's car. Luckily, he was going fast enough so the bricks and other items didn't hit. Then right after they got out of throwing range, the two groups began to fight each other again.

Then he drove by what appeared to be a burning church, the one he had droven past every day to work since a few years ago. There had been a huge metal crucifix, placed directly in front of the entrance for decoration, but now it was on the ground aflame. Priests were forced to fight for their own survival, and they deemed theirselves unworthy as if it was the endtimes, then where the fuck was the Rapture, they thought. Why weren't they heaven, kicking back, and enjoying the show?
Oh right, yes, now I remember.

God said fuck everyone, and was enjoying the show himself.

Then he passed three or so stores that were all arranged next to each other. He had visited all three of them numerous times, and even got to know the shopkeepers.

Now the shopkeepers were all dead, and now numerous looters were taking everything that wasn't nailed down and even fighting over it. They had broke through the windows by launching trash cans through it, shattering the glass windows easily.

Then Dylan passed a flipped over police car, that had one possibly now insane police officer, standing on top of it. He had looked like he had been through hell, probably because he had been. There was a huge crowd of numerous people holding various weapons, threatening the officer. It didn't surprise Dylan when the officer began to fire off pistol rounds into the crowd, because sure, justice is justice and all, but when you're in that type of situation, you're done fucking playing around.

"Get the fuck back, you animals!" The officer screamed.

"So much for justice!" One of the rioters yelled back.

"Obviously at this point you fucks don't care about justice anymore, so why should I? I'm going to survive this, I will survive! You assholes will all kill each other anyways." The officer yelled.

Dylan knew he had a choice. He could either speed past it, or he could help the officer. Choices always have a result, and most times... you don't have time to weigh the results and decide which would be better, especially in times like this.

"Hey! Get away from him! Come on officer, hurry!" Dylan yelled, realizing that a person who has a firearm could be useful in a time of survival, as if everybody in this city's going as crazy like this... what the fuck about the entire state? Hell, the entire country?

Unfortunately, Dylan didn't have a lot of time to think about this choice, and he definitely didn't have enough time to think of a god damned plan. His shout got the attention of every rioter around the officer.

"Ooh, look everyone! It's a vigilante! He doesn't even have a mask! If he doesn't have a mask, then what the fuck chance is there of him having powers! Let's gut this motherfucker!" The head rioter screamed, advancing towards Dylan's car.

Thankfully, the rioters weren't that bright, as all of them started chasing a man behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, and they were on foot. Not to mention they all left the officer alone in their retarded chase of Dylan. He was able to outspeed the crowd, and get back to the officer.

"Come on, hurry up!" Dylan yelled, honking at him.

The officer quickly got into the car, and pointed at the crowd that was now coming back towards them. It was large enough to block the entire road.

"You ain't leaving from this!"

Jesus Christ, could these rioters have really been that stupid?

Dylan simply drove onto the sidewalk and bypassed all of them, and escaped. He heard numerous shouts from behind, no doubt the rioters pissed that were really that stupid.

"Uh... I don't want to take your attention off the road, but we have a problem." The officer said, looking at something located in the driver section of the car.

"What?" Dylan didn't look at the officer when he said it.

"I think you're about out of gas... my name is Officer Richter." The tone of his voice was regretful, but yet cheerful. Maybe it was cheerful because Dylan had probably prolonged his life for a few minutes. Only a few minutes, but he prolonged it nevertheless.

"Oh for the love of... what's your job as an officer? Just bare bad news all day and piss everyone off? My name is Dylan Gallows by the way." He said as the car suddenly rolled to a complete stop.

"Well, I did have a whole rioting crowd wanting to kill me. Speaking of which, I hope you're a good runner. As they're coming." The officer said, as he hastily threw the door open.

"I have to carry my son. Any of these pricks get too close, you know what to do." He said, valuing the life of his son and his own more than a bunch of crazy idiotic rioters which were trying to take both lives, including the life of an officer he had just risked his own for.

"About that... I don't have much ammo left." Dylan gave the Officer an irritated glance, as he thought he would have had more ammo.

"It's like a gift you have, bearing bad news." Dylan quickly got out of the car, and quickly got his son out of the back. They both quickly ran for their lives forwards, and away from the chasing crowd.

“Where the fuck are we going to go...uh, fuck, I forgot your name. Ri--” Dylan was cut short as suddenly the deep sleeper of his son woke up.

“Dad? Where...why are you carrying me and running?”

This was not the time for this conversation.

“Look, son...we, we have to get somewhere safe. That's why I'm running while carrying you.” He didn't want to worry his son, at least not now of all times. At least get somewhere safe before telling him that the world was already going into a major case of flipping the fuck out.

“So where are we going to go?” Officer Richter asked.

“I think I have an idea... come on!” Dylan sped his pace up, despite the fact that they had lost the crowd, or they stopped chasing them. “My friend lives around here... he's got a bomb shelter, a truck, if he's there we can get his help. Bomb shelter won't do any fucking good if...if well...” Dylan quickly remembered that his son was now conscious, but he knew that the Officer knew what he was going to say.

“If an asteroid hits us.”

“Uh, Dylan...I don't think we're going to be able to run the entire way there...I need to take a second to breathe...” Richter said.

“Fine, we can take a quick second breather in that alley there...keep that...ready.” Yet again, Dylan didn't want to startle his son, so he avoided saying gun. They made it into the dark damp alley, and Dylan let his son down for a minute.

“Dad, where are we going to go? What about our house? What about...”

“We...we'll go back to it one day...but for now, we gotta keep moving.” Dylan took off his ring, and begin to throw it up in the air and catch it with his other hand. The ring was once his Grandfather's, then when he died during his childhood, the Grandfather gave it to his father, and then when his own father died, he got it. The ring was extremely old, and made out of silver. It looked as if it could shine forever...for centuries, even.