Something Something Smooze Side

[sineG yuG lareneG]

Part 1

It was a pretty ordinary day for the denizens of Whirl Islands. Ludicolos sat around barbecuing, Kinglers mulled around in the sand trying to argue about their territory ineffectually as the foundation was ever changing. The more active island was filled with the shouts of Mudkip and CANNON_TURTLE as each tried to outclass each other with repetitive speech. Kyogre's ominous rain clouds blotted out the sky, but that wasn't anything unusual. All in all, it was a peaceful day.

Oh, and there was about to be a lot of bloodshed.

But that was hardly worrying. The last people who tried to attack wussed out because of a little rain. Some of the soldiers almost found it a pity. If their sentinels in the sea had been correct, it was an incompetent group who thought to attack an underwater army with wood. Wood, of all things!

Having grown lax in security afforded by their natural defenses, Aquatic Anarchy wasn't exactly fearful. Especially since they dragged out their cosmic allies all the way here just to lend an unnecessary hand. What could possibly strike the seadwellers protected by water as far as the eye could see, cannnons lining their shorelines and even a cloud of rocks guarding the skies?

These were the sort of ideas being spread by an odd individual. One of the camps gazed at the strange Ludicolo, inspecting the Wailmer Cannons©®™. One of them got up to see what the weirdo was doing, if to get away from all the singing. The oddball looked up at the newcomer and gave him a sparkling smile, trying to recall what foreign languages he knew.

"Hola hermanos. Sólo con hacer unos pocos de última hora inspecciones." The Ludicolo who had hesitantly approached just stared.

"Did you smash your head when you were a Lotad?"

"I was speaking Spanish, since-"

"Span-what? Never heard of it. Everybody speaks English in Japan. Now what are you doing to the artillery?"

"Right... Just feeding the fodder some special fireworks from Mexico. Give the suckers a little more punch, see?"

"Sure you weren't dropped on the head as a lad?"

"Say, could you point me to Batdoof's lair? Mexico is having some problem with drugs cartels. Not like he's going to be needed here. I hear these attackers are just snuggie wearing freaks chucking their 'smooze' everywhere. Tell your pals to sit back and watch the show."

The Ludicolo had heard something similar... Maybe the nutcase had a point.

"He's hanging around the cavern... Just who are you?"

"Nobody you dumb saps need to worry about." Without another word the stranger walked off. The Ludicolo looked around in a daze, before returning to the Ludicolos and kicking back. Somehow he got the impression that these invaders would be pansies.

After all, Popple could be very persuasive.

---

Batdoof hung to a stalactite, conforming to the sterotype he was proud to portray. These guys were even much dedicated to roleplaying than Wigglytuff. Of course, he had no idea that they would willingly send him to his death if given the opportunity.

He also couldn't see in the dark and faced the very real danger of drowning or falling from the ceiling he could barely hang on to. But it was worth it.

"WILL YOU GET ON WITH IT ALREADY?" Feraligatr's shout filled the dark cavern and caused Batdoof to hurtle towards the lake. Captains waited impatiently as a myriad of water Pokemon fidgeted around, ready to leave the battlefield.

"Yup yup, just let me find something to breathe with in my 'Dooftility Belt©®™..." The little light that shone in the cave faded as Lanturns drifted away with the civilians. Only the lapping of water sounded as Batdoof tried to use his ill-fitting limbs to pull something from his belt.

"Belts are for saps just begging to be robbed, see?" Batdoof jumped around with several Doofarangs©®™ clasped in his paws, surprising himself in the process. There was an audible sigh of relief when he saw a grinning Ludicolo. He liked the dancing guys. The newcomer rummaged through a large sack he carried over his shoulder.

"Are you going to give me a show?"

"You'll be dazzled, all right..." The Shadow Thief grinned as he brandished a deep red mineral.

---

Generic Airships whirred as they expertly maneuvered through the rocks suspended in the air, awaiting their enemies, the GCC (reluctantly) assisting their aquatic allies. Wailord and Kyogre flew around the skies, flaunting their abilities to the earthbound troops.

King Kaliente lounged about in his tub of lava, flipping off the fish as he sank into his soothing lava. This didn't have much of an effect considering he lacked fingers and gestures were practically impossible with his flagella, but Magikarp got the message.

Magikarp chose to respond to this by popping a pellet into the GLOOM-INATOR 3000-INATOR, as well as whip Kyogre across the back with his Fishing Rod. Helped by his humiliation and rage, Kyogre gave it his all and conjured up a fierce downpour. In addition to the GLOOM-INATOR, an impenetrable curtain of rain obscured the air as Kaliente and his transport was rocked and pelted by heavy raindrops. His tentacles swished furiously as he tried to prevent the lava from hardening. The enemy conveniently struck at the same time.

What they weren't expected was a single bounty hunter as the initial charge.

Bobus Fettman flew through the storm, ready to spread chaos. A moment later the famed bounty hunter was flung back as the full force of the storm sent him colliding with a large Stealth Rock floating in the sky.

Troops massed on the ground laughed in amusement. Ludicolos lined up the Wailmer Cannons with the target pinned by the fierce winds, ready to deal the first blow.

The bounty hunter was not deterred by torrential weather. He turned over his wrist and a compartment opened up, and an impossible amount of missiles flew from the launcher.

Fish ran for covered and leap into the seas as the salvo of rockets barraged against the isle. Wind blew many off course, but their speed keep most of them steady enough to obliterate the Wailmer Cannons.

Regretful croaks came from the ammunition as Wailmers loaded up burst into a shower of blubber, the effect amplified by Popple's meddling. Corsolas rose up from the sea, angry at the cowardly destruction of their fellow cannon fodder, but Bobus Fettman was too small to target with their spikes.

The breeze past, and the Fettman came free from the rock, now prepared for the turbulence. An unorthodox shaped ship followed up as an armored transport fought against the wind, trying to avoid crashing onto the rocks.

---

"Your cannons suck."

"Those losers think that's enough to avoid a watery death? Just who the hell do they think I am?"

"Sit back and watch as our aerial prowess saves you douchebags."

While the Un-Destroyer struggled against the weather, the Fighter Squadron made the first move against the ships. It emerged from behind a Stealth Rock, and using it as the name implies, caught the S-Fighter by surprise.

Before the S-Fighter could attempt an aerial maneuver to counter the other ship, the Shadowmere 2500 loomed out of the rain in front of it, orange beams sizzling as they flew through the rain.

The larger ship held course, straight towards the S-Fighter, playing a deadly game of chicken. With ships attacking from the front and back, it had no choice but to try and turn... And crash into a Stealth Rock as the two ships let out a barrage of explosives.

Gearmos rejoiced as the Acolyte pilot cursed them with their dying breath, though it went on about how they didn't even have dental more than the enemies.

In their moment of small victory they hadn't noticed the Fettman. A cascade of rocks exploded over the Fighter Squadron as missiles flew overhead. While the wind may have saved it, Shadowmere wasn't quite as lucky. Explosions erupted at it's side and it sharply dropped out of sight. The Fighter Squadron pulled back as well while the weather hindered the bounty hunter.

---

Feraligatr's ferocious voice echoed across the rock.

"HEY RETARD, GET YOUR FIN OVER HERE AND GET PUMMELED IN MY PLACE. THAT SHADOW DUDE IS HERE."

Magikarp glanced towards the cave, irritated. They were planning to intercept the legendary thief before he made it to land. Always expect the unexpected with Popple.

"Mudkip, do your thing."

The axolotl-like creature looked up from it's custom-made laptop, seeing if "Smooze" had any related memes but could only find My Little Pony things.

"bro have u seen the turkey"

"Oh Arceus not this again."

"have u seen the turkey"

"Can't you seadwellers have any semblance of... Where did the book go?"

"the turkey ruse was a.......... DISTRACTION i HAVE the book" Mudkip used his trolling powers and disappeared in a flash with Space Aristotle's Metaphysics.

Magikarp unfolded an worn parchment underneath the shelter of Kingfin, glancing over the map to see where Mudkip would land.

"We're making this happen, man. We're gonna confront the thief. You'll probably die, but that's okay, because you're already dead." Kingfin made some sort of growl to express contempt at his idea, which was rather hard to pull off without organs.

"That's very kind of you. I think I'll impart some of my personal wisdom before we go. In the dark history of Pokemon breeder, there's always been one revelation that's stuck. BITCHES LOVE WHALES."

---

An ominous echo reverberated through the downpour. Troops on an Un-Destroyer glanced around uneasy. Another echo shook the sky, closer this time.

Wailord was furious at this development. The Wastelander guys actually had Skitties. He could have spent precious time with them after leveling their remnants of society trying to make like great again. Instead he was wasting time with these cultist dudes with glowsticks.

These dudes didn't deserve a simple blast any more. No. They would pay.

He rose through the clouds, his giant form suddenly appearing in front of the Un-Destroyer. It seemed so tiny in comparison.

Reluctant Apprentices stepped forward and prepared to electrocute the beast that didn't belong in the skies. They never got the chance.

The tremendous whale lurched towards the Un-Destroyer, it's mouth a dark abyss. In the next moment, it clamped down, it's boulder-like teeth crushing metal plating like it was made of rotting wood.

There was a moment of pain as Wailord faced resistance from the troops that had been on board. A few loud crunching noises later, the pain ceased.

It rolled the ruined metal in it's mouth for another moment, then spat it out onto what was left of the Un-Destroyer. The newer recruits screamed as Mercenaries came to save them from the wreckage hurtling towards the sea, some vainly trying to fire off their weapons at the flying whale to little effect.

Troops who weren't saved by the Mercenaries prayed, screamed curses or dental, or carved wills in the metal. They braced for impact, as the broken Un-Destroyer hurtled towards the sea...

A fact that Smooze most likely considered blasphemous was that falling onto water from such a height was like hitting solid concrete. The point that struck the ocean crumpled like paper. Worshippers, Labors and the like relaxed. Perhaps they would not die today.

Their relief turned to panic as rushing water started to fill in the broken vessel. Sharpedos swam furiously as they waited just outside the range of their fresh meat, water lapping only inches from the nearest Apprentices...

Then they all fled in fright as electricity coursed through the water and fried them. They kept going until they could no longer feel the volts... But it was only a matter of time until it sunk. Corsola spikes punctured holes in the metal as they watched from afar. Yes, it would not be long...

---

Feraligatr continued shouting, waiting for Magikarp's assistance. What he didn't expect was a weird mud creature plopping on his head.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"

It hopped off and stared at Feraligatr for a moment, it's feeble brain processing what it saw. Then it understood.

"i use 2 be a thief liek u...then i took an arrow 2 da knee!!!!"

Perhaps the apparent general would have spoke in reply, perhaps to explain a few facts to the soon to be unfortunately deceased fish, but in the end, he got what he wanted.

Far away, Magikarp donned an awesome pair of shades. Using the omnipotent powers it presented, he summoned down the very might of God (He didn't have any idea who the heck this "God" was. He thought Arceus would have been more suitable.) and bending the laws of physics, because screw the rules he had money. Or at least he thought the shades ran on purple coins. But that didn't matter to him, because he pinched the friendshippin' battlefield.

Stepping across the threshold of the highly compressed space, he traveled across the isles in a brief moment. Then the power faded, and the compressed matter returned to it's original state.

Magikarp and a skeletal fish glanced around, their eyes finally settling on Feraligatr when they could see no thief. The fierce looking monster grinned, it's teeth a long ragged line of daggers.

"See that, Patsy? I'm getting so good at this, drips can't wait to get scammed."

---

Tenson watched the ship on the flank with a stoic expression sink as a whale took a large chunk out of it. At least he wasn't on it.

Unbeknown to the leader of Smooze, a large gathering of octopi were casually plotting his doom.

"Alright, so who wants to bet I hit it dead center?" Kaliente chatted to the surrounding Octoombas to distract him from the fact that his lava bath was taking a tremendous effort to be even decent.

"C'mon, in this wind? You'll be lucky to just clip it on the side."

"I wager that they won't even be sucked in."

"Fine, you insolent little squids want to see a master in action? Watch carefully, grunts."

Kaliente held up a small black rock in a tentacle, testing it's weight. After a moment's contemplation, he swung back and launched the black rock with all his might at the transport.

The inconspicuous lump of coal whistled through the air, small and insignificant to any onlookers. True to it's aim, it hit the Un-Destroyer in the center. It shattered, accomplishing nothing.

And then the very fabric of space was torn apart.

Tenson jumped in fright as a sudden void rent the transport. An unfortunate Acolyte saw this movement. Their leader calmly composed himself, grabbed a light saber from the near Worshipper, and prepared to reassure the soldier. A moment later a headless corpse hurtled towards the black nothingness.

Troops panicked as rivets popped and the metal plates buckled under the pressure. The change in atmospheres was causing the Un-Destroyer to collapse onto itself.

And then it snapped like wood.

It wasn't built to withstand such conditions. The underside of the vehicle now crumpled, the fierce winds helped the unsupported sides to bend and tear off.

Octoombas rejoiced as and/or fled as Kaliente demanded money up front. The two halves of the ship spiraled from the sky as it was buffeted by the torrential rain. The followers of Smooze wondered if they would get dental in the afterlife.

Then the descent stopped. The cheering from the isles ceased.

Were they about to experience first-hand the digestive system of a whale? But then they saw the reason for the halt.

Tenson was bathed in an ethereal glow as he channeled his Smooze powers. His soldiers were impressed at his display.

But even as they watched, the ship lurched. Suspending such a large object was quite a strain. He wouldn't need to hold it up for long though. Just needed to land them (more importantly, himself) on the isle safely...

Apprentices peered over the jagged edge of the transport. Aquatic Pokemon were gathering below. They could hear the distant screams as the unsupported chunk of Un-Destroyer neared them, being assailed by acid and lightning. Mercenaries were too busy elsewhere fighting lightning and rain to save them. Soon, they would be able to show them their power.

---

Kingfin roared as twin headlights blazed to life as Popple was about to don the mask of the Shadow Thief, pausing him for a moment. The behemoth let out another fierce growl that shook the cave. A flash of blue orbited the living relic, darting towards the thief. With surprising speed, he charged at Popple with his jaws extended wide.

Magikarp flopped up to the green bean nearby and poked him ineffectually on the head with a wooden stick.

"GOTTA GO FAST!" Mudkip leap into the neaby water to avoid conflict. There's no room to be amusing when you're getting beat.

The Asteroid Belt keyblade struck Popple while he tried to sidestep Kingfin's Speed Boost. The prehistoric fossil continued it's charge and clamped down on the small frame of the Shadow Thief, leaping into the sea.

He might have had an edge in water, but Popple wasn't about to let a pansy pile of bones keep him down. He withdrew the insanely illegal R.Y.N.O. and aimed it at Kingfin's skull.

Abruptly the ancient beast let go and preformed an impressive manunver to get behind Popple. It didn't stop the R.Y.N.O. from breaking several ribs.

This small fry was getting in his business. Well, if he wanted to die twice, then he'd get his wish.

---

The Un-Destroyer escorted by Bobus Fettman fared marginally better than the others. Unseen threats moved just out of his vision, but a few rockets were enough to make them disappear into the dark clouds.

Something large was lurking just out of sight, but Durth Vedar saw to it that it didn't get close.

They at last landed on the isle, Apprentices raining down a static storm to clear a path.

The exit hatch extended, and Durth Vader strode onto the damp rock of Whirl Islands. Where were all the Apprentices?

Abruptly a large screeching came from a distance as Tenson relieved his control and settled the wreckage onto rock.

"I guess you could say..." A red goldfish flopped up to the ships, donning magnificent shades.

"...It's time to crash this party. YEAAAAAAAAH!"

"That was awful."

"YOUR FACE IS AWFUL."

"That makes no sense. My face makes no sense."

"YOUR FACE MAKES NO- SHUT UP."

Kaliente ceased arguing and slapped him with a tentacle.

"Let's just deal with these guys."

A motley crew of people turned to the ships, among which a British man and a bipedal piranha were present.

"It looks like these Smooze fellows are..." Magikarp took off the Cosmic Shades to put them back on.

"...In a sticky situation." A chorus of complaints came from the crowd at the fish's terrible jokes.

---

I apologize for not getting much done in terms of hero battles, but I figured you'd all want to adjust your plans after all that's already happened. I don't think any of Enigma's sections are up to date.

[sineG yuG lareneG]

Part 2
Part 2

"YOU FIGHT LIKE A DAIRY FARMER!" Magikarp screamed at the enemies facing him, no one in particular.

"Then I guess that makes you the brain-dead cow." Tenson choose to continue the banter.

"THAT'S RIGHT. GET ON YOUR KNEES."

"Urm... What?"

"GRAB HOLD ON THAT PLUMP UDDER, WE'RE GONNA BE FILLING BUCKETS TONIGHT."

"...I don't like where this is heading."

---

Patsy watched as the crazy fossil thrashed around the water, Popple struggling to keep it at bay while staying afloat. He strongly suspected that he was just being a drama queen. Well, he didn't have to get all the fun. Even if he could literally steal happiness.

"Oi, ye great white beast!" Contrary to the words, the bean's voice was harmonious. His golden voice would make legends like Orpheus sound like an awkward teen going through puberty.

Even prehistoric beasts that lacked any means of hearing slowed, the surface of the dark water settling as Patsy started reciting memorable quotes to the curious Kingfin.

"Methinks that what they call my shadow here on earth is my true substance..." Somewhat put off by the rookie stealing the spotlight, Popple slunk into the darkness, unnoticed by the keybearer.

"Methinks that in looking at things spiritual, we are too much like oysters observing the sun through the water, and thinking that thick water the thinnest of air." With practiced ease, a dark blot flowed across the rippling surface, to the even darker water being cast in darkness by Kingfin's form...

Interrupting Patsy's speech came the sudden roar of pain from Kingfin as the gloom around him distorted. The shadow behind him shifted, and rose into the air like a storm cloud. It held no form, and it's only distinction from the average darkness of the cavern was the grinning face of the Shadow Thief. Before the behemoth could charge it in vain, Kingfin's vision went black as he felt the immense toll the separation of his shadow brought.

When the moment of weakness passed and his eyesight readjusted to the gloom, he thought he going crazy. Two pairs of ghostly grins peered out from the shore.

If Popple wasn't already bad enough, two shadow clones would ensure Kingfin belonged with his ancestors.

---

Vedar choked Magikarp, not tolerating his vivid imagery. Pokemon flowing around the center of power in this battle choose not to interfere, partially because they'd be dead in a blink of an eye, partially because they wanted no part in Magikarp's recent analogy.

Waves of Apprentices who survived the ship on Tenson's efforts surged forward to electrocute the fish. But Aquatic Anarchy would have to be pretty idiotic not to fall for the typically run 'n spark treatment water baddies got. Which isn't to say they weren't idiotic. But they saw it coming.

The constant exposure to ever-increasing chemical byproducts had given their skin rubber like qualities. While the Apprentices had quite enough strength to overpower this small mutation, Lanturns were ready to show the cultists that they should have stayed in their basements playing fantasy games.

Bulbs hanging over Lanturns drew the electricity in the air towards them, soaking up the charges like sponges. Even conducted through water the Lanturns were spread out among all the rankings, ready to turn the tides on typings.

With the initial wave a failure, they were momentarily at a lost of what to do. Lanturns took advantage of their confusion by raining down a barrage of volts, many electrocuting crowds of them thanks to the rain. Their tactic failed, they turned and fled to the safety of the Un-Destroyer, some turning to cast down Smooze's Vengeance upon the heathenous fish. The Labors and Mercenaries not being devoured by sharks helped cover them, but the Lanturns still rejoiced at their success. They decided to fall back as an Acolyte promptly sliced one in half.

---

The shadow-split of Popple settled down in the darkest corner of the cavern, pulling out the infamous R.Y.N.O. Patsy's voice could still be heard in the distance.

"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul..." Quite fitting, he thought, sticking the R.Y'N.O. into the shadow and pulling the trigger. The beast's pain could be heard from the water.

But for a moment, he ceased. Where's the fun in a battle if you don't make them really pay for nabbing your prize?

"Whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet..."

The shadow clone rummaged around in the duplicate sack, pushing Batdoof aside for a moment until brandishing a smaller sack. He set it to the side and pulled out a martini, getting ready to make him pay for stealing that Keyblade out from under his nose.

"i can haz loots?" Popple almost gagged on his drink when a blue beaver-thing came out from the darkness.

"BASEMENT MUDKIP WATCHES YOU STEAL!!!1!i!11" Mudkip's voice suddenly shot up as he brandished a weathered looking book. In a flash of light the book disappeared, replaced by the Invincishroom bag. With surprising agility for one so small, Kingfin's only support Magikarp left behind exited the cave swiftly, before his thievery could be punished. The shadow clone was holding a vial of something he'd rather not know about.

He reached the fresh drizzle outside... What was he doing again? Something about chili, maybe?

Oh hey, a sack of green things. Might be useful.

---

"Any last words, miserable fish? Wait, no, don't answer that." Vedar eased off the choking for a moment, but Tenson felt he'd regret it soon. He might have asked Vedar to resume, but the GCC decided to help out their worthless allies at the moment.

Kaliente, from his luxurious bath, rose up and spat up something resembling a large coconut. Vedar, still with a hold on Magikarp, got struck by it head-on and was engulfed in an explosion. Magikarp could breathe freely again.

But that was hardly enough to stop Durth Vedar. As the smoke cleared, he stood his ground, his expression hidden behind his armor as always. But it was a safe bet to assume he didn't take explosions very well. Before he could act, a jet of lava pounded against him while a similar stream of water shot from behind him. He was locked in place by the two opposites, the pressure creating volcanic glass around him.

Fettman was quick and efficient, straight to business. And he wouldn't waste any more time here.

His boosters flared, and despite the weather conditions, he soared up into the air, with a clear view of the enemy forces. The lone figure amid the fierce storm brought an ominous feeling to those below.

Every sort of launcher on his armor sprang to life. Despite the small frame of the bounty hunter, a large salvo of missiles flew from his weapons. His arsenal lit up the sky, illuminating the unusual shapes in the air. Bobus Fettman soon disappeared in a cloud of smoke as his barrage came relentlessly, all the deadly projectiles heading for a single target. The sheer power of his explosives would decimate the strongest of fleets, and would easily vaporize a single fish.

You had to feel sorry for the bounty hunter.

Aquatic Pokemon fell back as the GCC choose to save their hides again. The Goombeetles scurried over the ground, thousands of them blotting out the damp stone of the isle. They braced for impact of the volley of death.

And when it finally reached them, it plinked harmlessly off of their helmets, not only reinforced with the hardest substance that could be found, but with some sort of shield around them that reflected projectiles right back at their owners.

Which meant that the entire missile storm was heading straight back to Fettman.

They met in mid-air, colliding with missiles being freshly dispatched.



---

Kingfin might have made a mad rush at Popple, but at that instant the Tome of Bones softened, and with it, his whole frame.

Dr. Claisen's specialty was a clever concoction. Turn that enemy's buff right around. Popple had given his shadow the whole treatment.

"Going a bit soft, huh? This is the price you pay for being a pansy and sniping my loot. I'll be taking that keyblade now, see?" Kingfin's response was a groan, two mechanical sharks materializing in front of the shadow thief. Popple held up Patsy, and the two Fishbones exploded harmlessly. (To Popple. Which is what counts.)

"You're outta your league, drip. You're literally dripping bone. Hold still and there might be enough of you to bury..." The now shapeless beast sunk into the water, severely weakened in such a short time. Popple merely grinned.

"Looks like it'll be the easy way then." He peered over the water's edge, readying the R.Y.N.O.

With a sudden blaze of light, Kingfin's headlights nearly blinded the shadow thief. With the sound of ripping cloth, wind burst forth from a worn-out bag, blowing Popple off his feet.

With his melty Jaws of Death, Kingfin managed to snatch Popple out of the air and swallow him whole.

It would have simply made the assassin's job easier, if not for the Tome of Bone. With a dull glow, Popple suddenly felt a moment of weakness, followed by a surge of strength.

The weakening beast spat him back out into the water as Patsy dove onto his back, ready to hack his soft bone apart with the Ultima Weapon.

"All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick. He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart's shell upon it." Patsy recited the passage while biting into the marshmellow like consistency that was once Kingfin's incredibly defense.

While his lackey had the beast dealt with, Popple tried to split into two to make sure the rotting fossil couldn't pull any more bull, but it didn't work. He tried again, and this time the Tome of Bone nearby flashed, almost in a taunt. Kingfin Devoured the shadow split. Oh, he'd pay for this.

Kingfin wondered where the Underwhere his backup was.

---

Seaking drifted around in the water, wondering what he was supposed to be doing. Helping some skeleton?

Ah well. Here comes Mudkip.

"NOBODY EXPECTS JINJO!"

"FUCK YEAH JINJO!"

"Hey guys! I'm the best new guy!"

"FUCK YEAH CANNON_TURTLE!"

"our base is under a salt lolz"

"And I ain't helping. STAYING ALIVE YEAH!"

"FUCK YEAH!"

"AKSI U DUD!"

"MY LAZINESS WIN 13 POKEMON! 13 POKEMONS!"

"lawlz i think batadoof got captured"

"BATADOOF HAVE BRAVE BOX!"

"rofl did you see that spacedude asplode?"

"FUCK YEAH EXPLOSIONS!"

"Oh look, he's still alive. LET'S MESS WITH HIM!"

"lol k"

---

To his credit, Fettman was durable. His armor had taken a beating, certainly, he practically radiated hate, maybe, but he was still ready to fight.

Magikarp would need to rectify that. He held up the Cosmic Shades.

"It looks like Fettman..." He donned the shades and use Vanishing Matter to vanquish Fettman's armor. A vulgar shout of YEAH! came from the distance Seaking.

"...Will halt here. Get it? It kinda sounds like Halther, who-"

"That was terrible and you're a terrible person. My face is terrible."

"YOUR FACE IS- SHUT UP!"

Magikarp and co. turned their attention to Fettman, who was a shocking sight without his armor on. With his boosters disappeared, he was hurtling from the sky.

"That's disgusting."

"Ever heard of a bath?"

"Is it supposed to be that small?"

"so i herd u liek mudkips"

"Oh hey, there's the fish of the hour that isn't me. Ready to do something suicidal?"

"i can't believe it's not butter!"

"I take that as yes."

Pulling out his wooden stick from somewhere unseen, Magikarp flung his line around Mudkip and hurled him through the air, lobbing him at the unarmored bounty hunter.

"THIS IS MUUUUUUUUUDKIP!" The braincell murderer hurled through the air, latching onto Fettman's face as he sent him careening through the air.

"KALI MA!" Mudkip clenched a green mushroom in his stubby paw, and thrust it through the enemy's mouth. Fettman managed to pry Mudkip off and sent him spiraling through the air, rolling as he hit the ground and scurried away.

The bounty hunter continued his descent towards the ground. In a sudden purple flash, his armor returned. He pulled up from the dive and avoided collision with the ground... Only to come face to face with a towering red Gyarados.

Fettman prepared to open fire on it, but he was slightly disoriented after the descent.

And dizzy...

The silent bounty hunter vomited.

"Specialty from your pal, I hear. Too bad nobody knows where he is. Lookin' a little green, aren't you?"

"That's because he has green armor, stupid. Shut up Kaliente."

"SHUT UP KAL- JUST DEAL WITH THE BLACK GUY."

---

Tenson decided to keep away to the safety of the Un-Destroyer. Durth Vedar was preoccupied dealing with the two powerful entities striking from the front and behind, while Fettman had to deal with Bean Fever. He was sure they could handle it. He stopped short when he saw what was happening to their machine.

GCC's Ztar Destroyer hung in the sky, a large beam of light being projected from it. As he watched, the ship's tractor beam drew the transport close. Mercenaries made an attempt to do something, but with the weather conditions they were buffeted around in the air as a barrage of rocks came from Generic Airships, decks packed with Octoombas.

He turned as a clopping sound came from behind. A fat British man sat on a horse-like Pokemon. In both hands he held large, deadly weapons.

Tenson glanced back where the Apprentices were. They were being decimated by lines of tops with razor edges, Lanturns and Goombeetles ready to shield them from blows while they sawed through the ranks.

"That's... Uh, a nice gun you've got there." Ahab's Crosshairs, resting in the crook of his arm, glowed an ominous blue around the large point. Tenson inched towards the newcomer, preparing to grab it from him.

"Wanna see what it can do?"

"That's quite alright, I-" Noble pulled the trigger.






Leaving Kingfin:
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"

[sineG yuG lareneG]

Part 3

Fettman stumbled around, the Bean Fever already dulling his senses.

But he wasn't a bounty hunter for nothing, and he'd at least make an impact on these cowardly fish. While he still had the capability to, his shoulder-mounted railgun popped up, and he aimed for the largest target in sigh to minimize the risk of missing.

The bullet flashed towards Wailord, who, despite what enemies might think, was smart enough to know how big a target he was. Goombeetles desperately clinging to his underside deflected the blow, causing the shot to rocket off to the ignored cave.

"Even when you're sick, you're a pain in the fin. That makes me quite... angry." Magikarp allowed himself a brief remark before going into action.

Finally taking a subconscious finger off the B button, he allowed himself to undergo the evolutionary process to turn into the dreaded Gyarados who he already rode. But thanks to radioactive interference from a person who probably wasn't looking out for his best interests, his scales did not adopt the usual light blue of the usual Gyarados. Instead they turned a sickly green, not all that much different from Fettman's current complexion. And even when he reached the same size of the red Gyarados now struggling under his new weight, the chemical altering pushed past nature's limits, and he grew even larger, veins popping and muscles bulging out from under the skin.

A now enraged and unnaturally large Gyarados towered over Fettman, even more so than the vicious red one.

The bounty hunter made a feeble effort to flee, but the Bean Fever had hit him hard, and the fish cast out a line from his old rod to ensnare the prey.

---

Kingfin thrashed about in the water, slamming into the cave wall with vigorous movements to shake off Patsy. The Beanie couldn't resist reciting one last line.

"Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"

"Man, I knew I shoulda brought some more artifacts to finish off you drips. But it won't matter now." Kingfin's response was to flare up his headlights and summon some more Fishbones. Popple, who had already seen these attacks coming, simply sidestepped.

"You've wasted enough of my time, see? Those bums who hired us are probably dying without me." The fossil still clung on to life, roaring for some help. Clattering sounds came from near the cave's entrance.

Mattermouths, stationed to prevent the thief's arrival, now saw the events that had transpired as they had uselessly patrolled. Ready to make an enough at redemption, they spotted Popple and charged towards them, leaving a shimmering void in their wake.

Popple casually pointed the R.Y.N.O. at them and pulled the trigger, sending them off screaming. A bullet that shot through the roof even sped them on, though it was a bit disconcerting for a random shot to enter the cave. Almost resembled Fettman's shoulder thing, but surely he wouldn't aim for such a random location.

"You think a couple little sharks will save you? I think it's time for the world to remember why they call me the Shadow Thief. Patsy, give him the 'ol showstopper."

Patsy eagerly sprang into action, letting his secret obsession with explosions surface. Brandishing his Super-Duper Amazing Awesome Bunker-Busting Flaming-Firework from seemingly nowhere, Kingfin was about to be treated with spectacular and deadly lights.

But the ancient skeleton didn't seem to want an honorable death. With a titanic effort, he Speed Boosted into the water. Patsy anxiously waited, but he didn't surface. There was undoubtedly an undersea route to escape.

Just an easier job for Popple. All he had to do was finish off the shadow. The stooges who hired him would probably come crying to him for help the moment he set foot outside anyways.

Vindictive crackling came from the cave entrance. If Mattermouths couldn't keep the thief out, then they'd see to it that he wouldn't leave. A shimmering, purple void clouded the exit. Oh, it was definitely time to remind these urchins why he was the legendary Shadow Thief.

---

Tenson calculated his odds as he stared down his opponents. That rifle was impressive. If he made a leap towards it, then perhaps...

"SMASHING!" The Smooze leader jumped as a small blue creature shouted next to him.

"I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE RIFLE BRO. I TOLD YOU DAWG!" Infernal thing, he was distracting him from-

In his momentary distraction by Mudkip, Dino Piranha took the opportunity to charge at Tenson. Simultaneously, Feraligatr (who now wield the rifle as Noble held up his large sword) shot him in the leg with a concentrated blast from Ahab's Crosshairs. Tenson was flung back towards the sea. Where was that useless Vedar when you needed him?

The uber war machine in question was still being hassled by Kyogre and Kaliente, now joined by ships from the GCC. The Fighter Squadron and Shadowmere 2500 unloaded their arsenal against him, while he continued to be hit by coconuts, lava and water.

From inside a constantly expanding and contracting shell of igneous rock, Vedar was getting angry at this relentless stream of attacks. As soon as he broke free from the constricting field of water and lava, exploding tropical fruits would be fired in spurts from King Kaliente that momentarily stunned him long enough for the cycle to continue. And he was sick of it.

Reaching deep within his mind, he drew upon the powers of Smooze to preform the ultimate move in his array of powers.

The layers of rock around him burst as he was surrounded by a white glow. Kaliente experimentally chucked a coconut at him and found him unfazed. He was smart enough to get outta there. Kyogre followed his lead and flew into the air.

Troops weren't as lucky. While nobody was in the immediate vicinity of Durth Vedar due to all the potential collateral damage, few had time to prepare for the Smooze-nami.

Many followers of Smooze tried to imitate the move. Nobody had managed to convey the same effect as the real deal.

A wave of power emanated from Durth Vedar, now hidden in a cloud of pure energy. Kinglers turned and braced themselves, but as soon as it reached them they lost definition and began to degrade into a sluggish goo. Aquatic Anarchy soldiers were quickly running in fear, of which they did so efficiently thanks to the rain, but Smooze followers were enthusiastic about it, embracing the wave and becoming reinvigorated by it.

Goombeetles hopped onto Topmen and quickly assembled into neat rows, ready to utilize their reflective powers. They made their frame as small as they could and tilted their helmets towards the oncoming wave. It parted around them, flowing to the sides harmlessly. (To them. Which is all that matters.)

The two Gyarados saw this coming. Those Smooze nerds wasn't about to ruin Magikarp's fun. Urging the Red Gyarados steed, who was barely containing Magikarp's new weight, moved in a slithering motion towards the waves while flapping with wing-like gills. Not about to let his prey get refreshed by the attack, he flung Fettman into the sea. He tried to retaliate with a Rocket Punch, but with Magikarp's grip on him he simply swung him around and used the momentum from the attack to cast him out. The two Gyarados followed the sunken bounty hunter and swam undersea before the Smooze-nami could reach them.

On the shore further off, those wailing on Tenson used the same tactics. Mudkip sped off and disappeared into the water within seconds, and Dino Piranha reluctantly followed, taking a deep breathe and hoping his plant-like attributes would help him survive.

Feraligatr and Noble lingered a bit longer. Tenson was confident that they would either be scalded or run off like cowards. He was wrong on both accounts.

The bi-pedal alligator watched too many old wrestling videos for the good of people around him. Though he was tempted to preform the MOST ELECTRIFYING MOVE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT, he would have to cut it short. Grabbing Tenson by the shoulders (if he held the pose for a few more seconds, Ahab's Crosshairs would be-) he leap backwards and using Tenson's own weight, slammed him against the surface of the water.

Simply being thrown onto the water wouldn't have hurt. But colliding against the sea at such a speed was like hitting asphalt. Too disoriented to make a grab towards the rifle, Noble charged and him and pierced his flesh with a large sword and drove him underwater. Feraligatr followed suit as the wave neared.

Soon the entire isle was bathed in a light haze, with the exception of the Goombeetle battalion. With swiftness granted to them by the benefits of the rain, water Pokemon had quickly swarmed into the water to escape. As it reached it's limit, it began to recede back towards the epicenter of the wave.

As the pure energy returned to Durth Vedar, he felt refreshed, the damage done to him by the twin attack of lava and water starting to fade. He saw, to his pleasure, that he had managed to drive the aquatic army back to the sea and they could now hold the land wherein they had only held a small position earlier.

The only problem was the GCC troops. Octoombas and Gearmos readied their weapons, as Topmen advanced towards them in organized ranks. At their head was a larger than average soldier, a sinister red. Topmaniac's spikes suddenly spun with new life as he prepared to preform a drill run through the ranks of the enemy.

"OUR DRILLS ARE THE DRILLS THAT SHALL PIERCE THE HEATHENS!" Deadly Topmen buzzed towards the refreshed ranks of Smooze.

---

"MY HORN IS THE DRILL THAT PIERCE THE HEAVENS!" Seaking roared the original line as he drove his horn through Tenson's frame.

The leader of Smooze clutched his stomach where a recent series of wounds was beginning to develop. He wasn't prepared for such onslaught, and could hardly think with that blasted blue thing shouting into his ears. Taking the easy target out first, he made use of his Smooze powers and started choking Dino Piranha. Unable to remain undersea with the rest of the major figures, he made a mad dash back to land and never looked back.

Tenson blearily looked around him. Mudkip's gibberish clouded his thoughts as he took account of the threats against him. Corsolas and Sharpedos could be seen out of the corner of his eyes, hungry for blood.

Feraligatr moved forwards through the water, sticking Ahab's Crosshairs to his head.

"I think it's feeding time." He pulled the trigger.

That evening, the Sharpedos had a decent, if smelly, meal.

---

Popple strolled through the now solid cave entrance that now bared signs of R.Y.N.O. fire, and Patsy had several purple bitemarks lining his skin. The Mattermouths had held him up for a couple minutes with their creating-voids bull, but he had attended to them. That slopping pile of bones was also seen to, not even enjoying the benefit of a significant death. It was just as well; Kingfin probably wouldn't have died for this country.

All those marks were a bit suspicious looking, and unbecoming of a thief of his caliber. Before he left, he stepped back and admired his handiwork done to the entrance with his skills that were reminiscent of some guy named Potemkin.

He glanced around the isle, wondering what trouble the cultists got themselves into while he was busy earning a keyblade. His evaluation of the battlefield was cut short as suddenly a bright beam of light shone on him. A deep rumbling came from it's source.

Through the gloom of the weather, the thief spotted a lighthouse in the water. At it's base, a formless white blob lay across the rock, seemingly riddled with bullet holes. And on top of the tower itself was a large conglomerate of rocks, two piercing yellow eyes in the depths of the head. The sky was dark behind him, and upon closer inspection, there were glinting eyes within the darkness. It was thousands of Bomb Boos.

Bouldergeist had waited for his commander since before the sky darkened, the entire isle of their base loaded to the brim with volatile spirits. It made little difference to them if the base was harmed, if they succeeded in luring and damaging the legendary thief.

And now, it appeared, the thief had taken the life of their leader.

This indignity would not stand. With little regard to their ally's assets, he used his control over the earth to pluck Stealth Rocks from the sky and had the Bomb Boos grab a hold. Then, with all his might, he chucked them at Popple.

As swift as he was, it took quite a bit of effort to avoid a barrage of rocks coated in kamikaze units. The Olive Lighthouse kept it's focus on the shadow thief, ready for any of his tricks as Bouldergeist readied another volley of exploding Stealth Rocks.

The pile of rocks may have been holding up his job, but all he'd have to do was wait for him to run out of ammunition, and he'd be in the clear. But even when he's fighting off some drip too cowardly to confront him face to face, he was doing his job.

---

Tentacruels surged back onto land, ready to help the GCC troops repel the invaders with their beefy flagella when they noticed the green man in a spotlight, something they couldn't make out in the distance hurling large explosives at him. They tentatively moved forward to help, not sure whether or not to get involved, when a voice rang out surprisingly clear through the downpour.

"Welcome, valued costumers! Come down and visit our fine establishment, a high-class seafood restaurant only for the best of society!" The uber units moved towards this distraction in eagerness, hearing the enthusiastic sales pitch of Patsy. The bean stood in front of a lavish storefront, with fancy (though illegible) script above a window that was hard to make out, with some foreign plants clouding the base. Some of the smarter ones questioned this presence.

"Wasn't a cave here early?" One skeptic spoke up to the Beanie.

"Our place is cutting-edge; You won't find any 'ol run-down joint here. Be the first among your friends and family to sample our delectable menu!" His flowing words were quite persuasive. After all, they'd known that those Smooze guys were wimps from the very beginning, didn't they? Their allies could handle it. Tentacruels surged forwards towards the entrance, only to find that they were refused entry.

"I'm sorry, but do you have a reservation?"

"What?"

"Your name isn't on the list, sir. I'm afraid you'll have to wait to come in."

"But you don't even know my name!"

"Very well, what is your name?"

"Kalmar Inktvis."

"It's not on the list."

"You didn't even glance at it!"

"We're very busy at this moment and cannot accommodate you. Please return at a later date."

"It's empty in there!"

"You do not conform to our mandatory dress code."

"Dress code? You don't even have clothes!"

"Did you get valet parking? We don't allow the unwashed masses to simply waltz into our high-quality establishment and bring down our value."

And so this went on for a while, Tentacruels becoming increasingly frustrated and ignorant of the conflict raging around them.

---

In the sea, Magikarp began a brutal array of generic sword movements, simple thrusts and slashes, though this was impressive in itself considering he was wielding large purple scimitars in his whiskers. Magikarp's true Gyarados counterpart stuck to a wide variety of generic water moves, somehow damaging in the underwater environment. One notable move was Scald, which sent a spurt of searing water towards the weakened bounty hunter. Every few blows, a couple coins would appear where the swords struck and renewed their quality, keeping the blades in a state of high-quality sharpness.

But Fettman was far from harmless.

Sure, he was weakened by Bean Fever. And maybe the aquatic environment nulled half his array of moves. But it could be a boon, too.

While he had difficulty aiming, he fired off his pistols relentlessly, the water keeping them cooler than usual and subsequently able to fire almost nonstop.

His wrist-mounted missiles also functioned in this new terrain, their anti-matter coating somehow allowing the explosions to work. His armor was also powerful, being unfazed by any of the basic attacks being struck upon him and keeping up a constant stream of his few weapons that still worked.

Despite this, when all is said and done, the two Gyaradoses still had the home advantage. Their long and sleek bodies moved effortlessly through the sea, and the bounty hunter never got around to improving his guns, which were deadly to troops, but affected the harden scales of the two sea serpents little. had one significant benefit over Fettman. They could breathe.

Fettman certainly tried to escape, but Magikarp was bent on keeping the battle on his terms. His Super Rod would snag onto his armor and be dragged down as the other Gyarados attacked from above and created a waterfall stream, forcing him deeper.

Bean Fever was deadly on it's own, but with the lack of oxygen in his system, his armor would amount to little in the end. Dark spots were starting to obscure his vision.

Finish him. SEALEO spoke quietly to Magikarp, reveling in the ability to wittness such conflict without any feelings of pain.

If he had the chance to tell someone, or if he even was inclined to speak, then Bobus Fettman would have gladly recounted the tale of how he fought valiantly to the very end. How he grappled with the two mighty beasts to his very last breathe, and taking them down to the deeps with him.

But the truth was, the renowned bounty hunter was defeated through poor conditions for his arsenal, the enemy having limited his array of weapons to a near-useless state against them. They did not overcome his armor, but trumped him thanks to conditions wrought by the Invincishrooms and the environment.

And the worst part of it all, he never got paid for his efforts.

'effing cultists.

---

Vedar, now at top form again, was ready for the enemy. Kyogre hesitantly tried to repeat their earlier tactics, but prepared this time around Vedar simply deflected their initial barrage with his Smooze power. The two departed into the storm, smart enough to know that they wouldn't yield results anytime soon. He gestured for some Worshippers to attend to his remaining wounds.

While Vedar might have been ready for retribution against the seadwellers, his troops found that their optimism wasn't as well placed. Goombeetles prevented them from getting any first strike against the oncoming force, and they found that the GCC's troops employed far different combat than Aquatic Anarchy had.

The Topmen were short targets and didn't strike head-on. While Goombeetles absorbed the initial blows from Smooze, the Topmen took advantage of their momentary deflection to rush into their ranks and utilize their small frame to buzz around the followers and tear into their flesh and armor, splattering blood across others.

Topmaniac was the most notable, needing no assistance from the Goombeetles to tear into their ranks and cut clean through troops, moving in a zig-zag pattern that made it difficult for them to hit him, especially when he easily sawed through anything foolish enough to get in his path.

Not to far away, Wailord sprung into action, his role in defeating the Shadow Thief seemingly missed, just as the others had. Improvising on the initial strategy, he would drop from the storm clouds between Stealth Rock and Bomb Boo combos and layer the ground with explosions, venturing an occasional blast of icy energy that froze the damp air. Frozen drops of rain cascaded against the ground, which also adopted an icy quality where Blizzard struck it.

Things were getting too hot for Popple. It was becoming impossible to dodge all these attacks, and the Olive Lighthouse was one of the few things that could actually harm him more in his Shadow form than when he was solid. A well seasoned thief knows when it's time to run. And Popple wasn't still around because he fought against impossible odds.

He shouted to Patsy, who was busy arguing about proper manners to an increasingly hostile crowd. The beanie took it as a cue to leave. Clipping on some rather cheap-looking wings, they soon extended in length and became powerful dragon wings thanks to a recent extension. Flying over the heads of the momentarily confused Pokemon, he dodged a mournful Wailmer falling from the sky and dived down so Popple could grab ahold of him.

The two beanish creatures flew over the heads of Goombeetles and Topmen, Patsy being little affected by the pelting rocks and shots from Gearmos.

The legendary Shadow Thief jumped down from his abused companion and fled into the midst of the followers of Smooze. Opening his sack wide, hurricane force suddenly filled the area as ranks of troops were suddenly sucked into the depths of the bottomless bag. The Topmen were thrown back by this new development, Patsy hastily giving them a few select comments about an outstanding seafood restaurant.

Many of Smooze's soldiers had fallen in combat, and with the amount remaining he had managed to gather up a considerable chunk of the force without much delay.

When a small enough force remained and the Topmen were starting to pose a threat to Patsy, he grabbed ahold of his steed and took off.

"See ya, drips!" Uncharacteristically of the thief, he bid them farewell and flew off. What's more, is that he appeared to be pulling no tricks this time. This was perhaps more disconcerting than the thought of him lurking unseen in the base.

Vedar waved his hand and knocked over a line of Topmen, sending those closest to them in a panic as they started speeding across the ground sideways.

Wasting no further time, he closed his eyes and concentrated as the troops regrouped around him, Aquatic Anarchy soldiers now starting to reach them. With a loud cracking noise, the ground beneath their feet broke away and hovered into the air.

Preforming an awesome, if a bit awkward, tactic, Durth Vedar guided the chunk of land away from the raging crowd below, numerous projectiles being aimed at them while the wind threatened to flip the disc of land over.

Apprentices sent out an electrical storm towards anything that got in the way, and Corsolas and Sharpedos eager to redeem themselves and feast sped off. Wailord and other aerial units hung back, hesitate to get within the range of the desperate soldiers. In the end they made it out, the sounds of thunder fading behind them.











"Psh, do those saps really think I'm done here?" As the skies over Whirl Islands began to clear, people were too busy rejoicing and/or desecrating the corpses of fallen invaders to notice the radar picking up the return of a certain thief.

---

Mudkip chatted away to CANNON_TURTLE, discussing recent events through a series of memes that only they would understand.

"So, to move away from the fact that I'm the best new guy for a moment, whatever happened to that 'tension' dude?"

The blue creature recounted the details of his demis