Alternate Funk News Radio

[thefinalenigma]

"Am I a libble teasepot stout and shot."

"Man this little blue dude is pretty chill."

"I don't know about that man, weren't we supposed to be on the lookout for some intruders to the base?"

"I thought we were supposed to just sit here and light up."

A group of dirty looking toads equipped with their finest crackpipes had assembled around a small platypus creature that had appeared in their midst, interrupting their furious crack smoking. Before the more sober ones could start complaining about dental to him- who do those fuking dentists think they are asking for health insurance when it's a free goddamn country- he had started doing some kind of dance.

"Thip is my hamper and thib is me strout." Chet continued to dance while singing I am a Little Teapot the best he could. Of course his best wasn't exactly understandable to anyone besides him.

"Tipsy me overed ands pour me in." Chet jumped up into the air and landed on his short stubby flippers to finish his performance, waddling over to another area of the base while on his hands.

Immediately after Chet's finale to his masterpiece the Vagrants quickly stated applauding the creature for his dance. One even threw his teddy bear/shank at Chet, who caught it with his feet and began juggling it between his two feet. This caused even more applause for his masterful skills and several more bears joined the original one.

After a few minutes of amazing juggling Chet flopped over and launched the bears high in the sky. Instead of even attempting to catch the high flying projectiles he let them fall on his gelatinous stomach and bounced them towards a Toad who caught all three of them without suffering any stab wounds from the shanks jutting out of the necxks of the bears.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing soldier?" A round orange pinkish blob with a fine stache had walked up behind the lounging troops and was disgusted by what he saw. Even if he was a failed general he would see to it that no one would do something so disrespectful while he was around.

"What do you mean by that? And who are you?" The Toad clutching the bears hoped that he could get out of whatever punishment this random blob had set out for him based on the fact that this was the first moment anyone had ever seen him.

"Watch your tongue when you speak to your newest captain. I'm Welderburg, the greatest failure of them all and I have just joined this army to see you do something so horrible. Wouldn't you agree with me Goombella?" Welderburg turned to the small pink Goomba that had walked up to him while the Toad was talking.

"T̷͍̱̯̟̼̏̓́̓͟͡ǫ͚̼̳̹͕͓̺̘̅ͪ͟ ͉̘̥̜͇̩̮͆̾̒̈́͑i̡̦̲͔͈̘̅̄͗n̷̡̘̣̼̟̹̭̖̬̆ͤͦͮ̆͑ͬ̅v̺̜̫̺̩͎̗͒̈̈́̾ͫ̃ͮ͋͜"

"Even Goombella agrees with me. Now it looks like I'm going to have my work cut out fixing this little problem among the troops."

"You never actually told us what we did wrong sir."

"How is it not obvious? And get rid of that we , everyone besides you has done nothing wrong. Look at them, lounging around and smoking crack all day instead of doing something useful. It's just amazing. But you caught those damn bears instead of letting them hit you in the gut and dying like a true loser would. Despicable!"

"And how are you going to fix this?"

"Just tell him Goombella."

"T̷͍̱̯̟̼̏̓́̓͟͡ǫ͚̼̳̹͕͓& #826;̘̅ͪ͟ ͉̘̥̜͇̩̮͆̾̒̈́͑i̡̦̲͔͈̘̅ ;̄͗n̷̡̘̣̼̟̹̭̖̬̆ͤͦͮ̆͑ͬ̅ ;v̺̜̫̺̩͎̗͒̈̈́̾ͫ̃ͮ͋͜"

"That's right. through the power of song!"

Welderburg leaped on top of a conveniently placed pedestal and grabbed a microphone Goombella handed to him. The Vagrants sat down in front of him while Chet Rippo started running into a wall that had "lokkes funnab at him" in an attempt to get even with the jerk. Welderburg held the microphone up to his face with his non-existent hands and started to sing.

"Let's get down to business
To become losers
Did they send me winners
When I asked for failures
You're the greatest bunch I ever met
But you can bet before we're through
Mister, I'll make a loser out of you"

"Tranquil as a forest on fire within
Once you lose your center
You are sure to to lose
You're a brave, hearty useful lot
And you got a clue
Somehow I'll make a loser out of you"

"I'm never gonna catch my breath
Say good-bye to those who knew me
Boy was I a fool in school for not cutting gym
This guy's got 'em scared to death
Hope he doesn't see right through me
Now I really wish that I didn't know how to swim"

"Be a loser
We must be as swift as the cautious snail
Be a loser
With all the force of a puny drizzle
Be a loser
With all the strength of a dying ember
Mysterious as the light side of the moon"

'Time is racing towards us until the finale arrives
Heed my every order and you might die
You're suited for the rage of war
So pack up, go home you're through
How could I make a loser out of you"

"Be a loser
We must be as swift as the cautious snail
Be a loser
With all the force of a puny drizzle
Be a loser
With all the strength of a dying ember
Mysterious as the light side of the moon"

"Be a loser
We must be as swift as the cautious snail
Be a loser
With all the force of a puny drizzle
Be a loser
With all the strength of a dying ember
Mysterious as the light side of the moon"

Welderburg finished his song and looked at the crowd of Vagrants like he expected applause for that horrible song about being a loser. A few of them, the 'special' ones, started enthusiastically clapping for Welderburg while the majority of them just awkwardly looked around and at each other. Chet was still busy taking on the great and powerful evil that was the wall.

"Did you not learn your lesson? Do I really need to just tell you what I was trying to teach you?"

"T̷͍̱̯̟̼̏̓́̓͟͡ǫ͚̼̳̹͕͓& #826;̘̅ͪ͟ ͉̘̥̜͇̩̮͆̾̒̈́͑i̡̦̲͔͈̘̅ ; ;̄͗n̷̡̘̣̼̟̹̭̖̬̆ͤͦͮ̆͑ͬM 3; ;v̺̜̫̺̩͎̗͒̈̈́̾ͫ̃ͮ͋͜"

"Well you are correct this once Goombella so I guess I can let this one slide. The thing I was trying to teach you idiots was that in this army doing something competent is strictly against the rules. We do have a reputation to maintain."

"That makes a lot more sense then some stupid song sir, so why didn't you just tell us that? After all if we're supposed to be incompetent I don't really see how we were supposed to get all that from a single song."

"Quiet you, moving on can I get a tour of this base? I would like to make sure that you have all of the necessary defenses for being incompetent."

"Right this way sir." Another Vagrant, keen on possibly getting a promotion out of this and the new drugs that would come along with it, led Welderburg and his assistant to Star Altar where the defensive crystals were. The other Vagrants considered following them but ended up sprawled out on the ground of Star Haven, smoking their crack like it was National Crack Day.

While Welderburg did his boring things there was a much more interesting event occurring. One that had the potential to change the entire world as we know it. It's true name was lost to the world before it had even begun so most people simply called it, Chet Rippo vs. The Wall.

This amazing spectacle was too glorious for mortal eyes and even the gods could only watch in short intervals in fear of getting blinded by this great fight, Ratch not included. Still let us see what we can see of this magnificent showcase of power and elegance.

Chet Rippo slammed his head into the wall repeatedly, hoping to catch his opponent off guard with this swift array of headbutts. The wall countered by dropping a few dust flakes on top of his head and standing firm under the onslaught. Chet followed up with a clumsy looking swing with his right flipper, it only appeared clumsy n truth it was perfectly executed, and smashed the with his vast amount of strength. The wall could not hope to suffer no damage from this blow so it turned its wound into a weapon and dropped a brick onto its foe's head.

After getting ba- enough of this. I've said too much already, anymore of this and we could all die. Let's move on to something a little less exciting. Like Welderburg and Goombella entering the Star Altar and the things the found inside. Or rather the lack of things they found inside.

---

Welderburg and co. stepped into the grand Star Altar, pride and joy of Star Haven. Or at least it used to be so grand, after the recent Second Chance occupation the building and fallen into a state of disrepair.

Most of the windows in the building had been shattered by a Star Kid during a game of baseball, where the civilians served as balls for the SC troops. The floor creaked when you stepped on it and had a large amount of holes randomly put in it when the troops had decided to test out their digging prowess. And the building had been in almost constant darkness ever since Infini T. had decided that his experiments would fare better if they were kept in near pitch-black light levels.

"What is that thing over there?" Welderburg pointed at a oddly shaped lump lay against the far wall of the room, covered in some sort of cloth.

"I think that's one of Infini T.'s experiments. Don't worry I'm pretty sure it won't harm us."

"Kill me." After the lump said that all three of the people inside of the building jumped back a few feet. The experiment fell over and rolled a little bit towards Welderburg, a small bit of it escaping from the cloth that had been covering it. All the terrified watchers could see was something that resembled decaying flesh.

"Can't you do something about that thing?" The creature, still mostly wrapped up in the cloth, continued to slowly roll towards Welderburg and co. while saying "Kill me" in it's horrible voice.

"Me? I thought we were supposed to be incompetent!"

"Goddamnit just kill the damned rolling thing with ing decayed flesh before it eats your damn face!"

"FINE!" The Vagrant slowly walked over to the rolling thing, pulling out a decapitated teddy bear with a homemade shank jammed into the neck as he moved. The creature suddenly rolled towards his foot and with a yelp he kicked it into the air. Before it could fall back down he stabbed it with the teddy bear/shank and throw both objects out the only unbroken window.

The window shattered under the combined weight of the objects and they crashed to the ground a few yards away from Star Haven. The momentum from their fall sent them rolling away from the Altar and towards the edge of Star Haven. Neither of them was ever seen again.

"Well now that we got rid of that hellish creature can we go see the defenses now?"

"Sure thing boss."

The Vagrant lead Welderburg, and Goombella, past a door labelled "Funky-Chan inside, do not disturb" and into an even darker stairwell. After a few assurances from the Vagrant that this wasn't the entrance to Infini T's secret laboratory the three walked down the flight of stairs and entered a room that had a dusty brass label that read "Crystal Defenses".

Welderburg opened the door and stepped inside of the room. fully expecting to be dazzled by the array of pointless crystals with the vast majority of them doing more harm than good and the few that did help out Second Chance only affected minor stuff. However when he walked into the room he was greeted by absolutely nothing besides the slight smell of decay. Also there were several nasty looking bloodstains on the walls.

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Oh right, the crystals must be with the real base. After all this is just the fake one."

"Can you run that by me again?"

"Of course sir. This is the fake base set up by NOVA so that Poople fellow doesn't destroy the real one."

"Well that's rather interesting."

---

Well I have a feeling this battle is going to be a bitch fest so I'm going to put the summary up now instead of doing my usual tactic of not getting it up until 6 days have passed.

First off GG anticipated that Popple would try to destroy the base so he had NOVA conjure up a fake base to confuse Popple. With nothing to tell the two bases apart, and the fact that the fake base was the first one he saw, Popple fell for the ruse and he and his buddies attacked the fake base instead of the real one. Despite that minor setback all of Popple's plans so far have gone relatively well.

He successfully convinced the Vagrants that Patsy, who was disguised as Welderburg, was their new captain and had little trouble getting them to give him a tour of the base. After defeating whatever the hell Infini T. had created in his laboratory they went to go check on the crystals that were located in the basement of the Altar.

Once there they saw that the crystals were not actually in the fake base and after some questioning the Vagrant that led them there spilled the beans about the fake base.

That was shorter than I thought it would be.

[thefinalenigma]

"So what you're saying is this Star Haven is a fake created by that clock thing? And that the real one is right behind us?"

"Yep. It was all a trick to stop Popple from doing the obvious thing and blowing up the base."

"Well I demand that you take us to the fake base right this instant!" The Vagrant in the basement of the Altar with them looked rather reluctant to take them to the fake base, after all there was still the slight possibility that this Welderburg guy could be an enemy. You could never be too sure with Popple on the prowl.

"I don't know if I really am allowed to just take you two to the real base, the General did say that we weren't supposed to just let people into the fake base the second they asked. Heck I could probably get executed for just telling you that there's a fake base."

"The General? Why would you listen to anything he says that contradicts me? After all I am now your new king, or did you not get the memo?" Welderburg's voice changed tone slightly as he said this. While still sounding like a whiny loser that couldn't do anything it somehow also conveyed the sense that he knew what he was doing and that he demanded for his orders to be followed out. Goombella also gave a charismatic grin in the off chance that it could help them win the Vagrant over.

"Well if you're the new king it would probably be fine if I were to let you enter the real base. Follow me, me and another Vagrant will fly you two over."

"There's no need for that!" A small creature made entirely out of yarn jumped up through a rather large hole in the floorboards and stood before Welderburg. Goombella. and the still unnamed Vagrant Toad. It was pretty obvious that he had been listening to them the entire time and most likely had jumped up through the floorboards after hearing Welderburg say that we was the new king of the army.

"And who are you supposed to be?"

"You've never heard of me? I am the great, the mighty, the powerful, YIN-YARN! I control all that is yarn, wool, yarn-like, wool-like, and any other fabrics of your choice. My needles can stitch a hole in the very fabric of space! I have cast down numerous other lesser Kirby villains before and I have shown that I am the strongest of them all. How can you possibly not know who I am?"

"You look like a sock. And if you don't have some of importance to say I'd like for you to get out of my way so me and my colleagues can go finish our tour of this infernal base." Welderburg pushed past Yin-Yarn, paying no heed to the words coming out of the yarn based villain's mouth. Goombella followed behind Weldburg with the Vagrant, after a moment of hesitation where he pondered if he should stay with the leader that had been in command since the beginning of the army or the brand new one before ultimately deciding on the brand new one, bringing up the rear.

"But I wanted to show him my sock puppet collection. Why does no one ever want to see the darn puppet collection?"

With a loud snapping noise the ceiling broke and a blue creature landed in front of Yin-Yarn.

"Dub someone says suck poopets?" Chet Rippo after defeating his mortal foe known as the wall, had stumbled upon the Star Altar in his confused travels through Star Haven. He had jumped through the doorway of the building and his hefty girth had proven enough to smash through the weak floor.

"Yeah I did, you want to see it?"

"Yesd."

---

After exiting Star Altar the Vagrant took the lead and headed towards the open grassy field type area they had been in before in order to get a little help with flying the two over to the real Star Haven. The walk was short and in little over five minutes they had made it back to the field. Unfortunately for them not everything was exactly like it was before, a giant cloud of phazon was floating above the main body of Vagrants.

A few tentacles that vaguely looked like ones you'd find on a monstrous squid poked out of random spots of cloud while a fearsome array of drills poked out of the bottom of the cloud. Along with a lengthy cannon sticking out of the front of the craft and a volcano shooting out the occasional spray of ashes, that was all that could be seen outside of the cloud.

"What is that thing? Another one of that deranged Toad's experiments?"

"Nope it's our UWM, Game Guy. He shouldn't harm us at all." As it turns out, this Vagrant was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Game Guy had in fact been ordered to coat as much as the fake Haven with lava as soon as he could spot Welderburg from inside the depths of the phazon cloud that surrounded his body. Having spotted the orange/pink ball he readied himself to attack. With a deep rumbling noise accompanying it, the volcano on top of him started to shoot out larger clouds of ash more frequently than before.

"Is that normal for him?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The volcano on his back, is it normal for it to start billowing ash like that?

"Not really, it usually only does that if he's about to erupt and launch lava all over the place."

"Well ."

The rumbling noise had increase in volume to the point where it broke through the drug induced stupor of the Vagrants, causing them to angrily jump up and start running around in circles. Maybe it was some kind of Toad ritual for killing giant monsters? Who knows.

Game Guy ignored their feeble efforts and his volcano shot out a giant cloud of ash, large enough to blanket out some of the light coming from the stars above. It was soon followed by a giant blast of lava that expanded into a neat square. The molten rock stayed suspended for a few seconds then came tumbling to the ground. Our heroes (Goombella/Popple, Welderbug/Patsy, and two of the Vagrants) were already fleeing from the field the second the volcano shot out that huge cloud of ash.

Popple and co. had jumped on top of Patsy and the little bean in puffball form had sped away with the three people on his back, their combined weight nothing to his strong and capable back. Patsy managed a respectable sprint towards the edge of Star Haven where he would be able to leap off and fly away towards the real base. Unfortunately for him and his passengers he couldn't quite outrun the falling lava and was a dozen or so yards away from the edge of Star Haven when the lava hit.

The Vagrants in the middle of the field stood no chance against the fiery liquid and burned up the instant it touched their easily flammable bodies. Patsy and co. were a little better off, they had the pleasure of not outright dying to the lava. Popple had jumped off of Patsy's back, dragging the Vagrants with him, and grabbed hold of the little bean. Holding Patsy in front of him he began to run as fast as he could through the lava. Thanks to Patsy's natural durability he simply pushed the lava out of his way while suffering only minor burns. Of course Popple still was being burned by the lava at his back, but overall it wasn't as bad as it could of been.

In a few seconds they were over the edge and falling towards the distant ground. Before Patsy could use his wings and fly them all to safety a Toad grabbed him and flew off towards the real base which could just barely be seen off in the distance. Patsy looked to his left and saw that the other Vagrant was carrying Popple.

"How are you guys even flying? You don't appear to have any sort of wings or other flying device."

"Magic drug powers."

"Of course you have magic drug powers."

The two Vagrants flew them quickly over to the real base and after a quick check to show that they were part of the army, made it through the various defenses with no trouble whatsoever. In only five minutes Popple and Pasty were starting their tour of the base.

"Now in order to avoid encountering any monstrosities like that head creature from the fake base, I'll just ask you to list the defenses that you have here."

"Well we have a shield that covers the base and entry to the base as well as attacks to the base while it's up. We also have a crystal that shoots out stars at any attacking ships. Besides the radar that's about all the defenses we have in the base."

"So you mean to tell me that you have no mine field inside of the base? How else are you going to blow up anyone foolish enough to take advantage of a bunch of losers?"

"Well General Guy never said anything about creating a minefield inside of the base. Could you do something about that sir?"

"Why of course I can. Goombella!"

"Yeah?"

"Hey I can understand you know, that's a bit odd."

"Shut up you moron, she was perfectly understandable before. Now Goombella I want you to set up a mine field inside of this base so it can be better protected. You understand?"

"Sure I do, now can I go start my job? Or are you just going to talk all day long?"

"Shut up and go get started."

Goombella ran off from the group and started grabbing explosives from what looked like a giant sack that had appeared on her shoulder and placed them throughout the base. While she did that Welderbug and the two Vagrants wandered around the base waiting for her to finish with her job. While they do that let's move onto something more interesting, maybe Game Guy and Chet Rippo arm wrestling? Yeah that sounds good.

---

The two titans of the battlefield, Chet Rippo and Game Guy, had seen each other after the commotion with the lava had died down. Being such figures of raw power they quickly moved to each other and started the most ancient of contests, the manliest sport known to man. They were arm wrestling. Winner gets Yin-Yarn's sock puppet collection and the right to punch the other one as hard as they can for several minutes. After all you can't have a contest without the loser losing and the winner winning, any other way you do it is just stupid.

Of course they first had to go through the trouble of procuring a table both large enough to accommodate one of Game Guy's tentacles as well strong enough to support the tentacle. Also this table had to be able to contain the magnificence, elegance, and power that Chet Rippo contained inside of his body. As you can imagine was quite a hard task for the two monsters to accomplish. Luckily they did have some help, the charred corpses of the Vagrants were searching as hard as a dead corpse could, which is admittedly, not that hard.

Nevertheless they scoured the fake Star Haven and after around 10 minutes of searching they had located a table they believed could hold up under their might. The table in question was fashioned out of solid mahogany and had once served as a humble dining table for the Star Kids that used to reside peacefully in Star Haven. After the occupation by Second Chance it had been forgotten and had lay in it's old owner's home for the past year or so.

However the table was mean for much greater things than its previous functions, now it would serve as the battleground for the two greatest monsters in this entire war. The table was brought out into the middle of the field, which was now covered in a nice layer of solidified rock, and it's thin coating of dust was swept off by Chet's flipper. Seeing the slight sag in the table as he touched it with his flipper, he grabbed some of the corpses that surrounded them, and propped up the table with it.

With their battleground in place, the two combatants stood up to the table and placed theirs arms upon it. After some initial groaning from the table it held firm and they grasped each other's hand. The dead corpse of a Vagrant fell over and both of them took that as the single to start their contest. The very ground trembled at the sheer power the two extruded as they grappled with each other.

Stop, I can not write anymore of this, the strain on me is too great. No one can witness the dealings of gods for too long. Let's go back to our heroes and see if they've done anything since we last saw them.

---

'So Goombella how did the mine field planting go? Did you deliver the package as well?"

"Both of the jobs went off without a hitch. I'd say in about 30 seconds the package will reach it's destination."

"Excellent."

A few seconds after their conversation ended a loud boom shook Star Haven, and a huge cloud of dust rose up roughly over the middle of the base. Welderburg and co. quickly moved out to see what had happened to the middle of the base, and if they were under attack from an unknown force. When they reached the center of the base they found a giant hole right where the center of Star Haven used to be.

Goombella jumped down and pulled out a large nuclear missile from the sack that she had gotten the explosives for the mines from. She placed it in the center of the hole and climbed back out to stand next to Welderburg. The two Vagrants weren't exactly happy with what the small pink Goomba had done.

"What the heck is that thing?"

"It's a missile. We're going to blow up Star Haven."

"But why would you do that? Aren't you are new king?" Before Welderburg could say anything that could explain his actions, Popple, no longer wearing his drag, appeared behind the two Toads wearing some ridiculous outfit and dealt swift death to the pair with knives that sprang out from his sleeves.

"Why the fuck did you do that?"

"We don't need